You know I work at a middle school. But I don't think you fully realize how much can happen in one day. To give you a fuller picture of what goes on in these hallowed halls, I documented yesterday's antics. Just a simple Wednesday. Try to keep up & please contain your insane jealousy of my glamorous life.
This Wednesday, I ...
Told my 8th graders I'm going to the London Olympics this summer. They thought I was lying. I clearly am. But they are children, and they will eventually believe anything. I told them I won tickets last summer & I'm soooo excited to go. I will keep up this ruse as long as possible & may go as far as sending them a postcard wishing they were here in London with me.
Heard my 7th graders tell me I have nice eyebrows. This is by far my most complimented body part. It's better than the alternative, but it's a disappointing category to win. I just want cascading hair or Michelle Obama arms.
Witnessed my 6th grader's 46th (official count) meltdown of the year. The silent cry is her specialty. Earlier in the year, I felt so sad when she cried that I pulled her into the hallway to discuss her feelings and rehash the whole incident. That took too much time & wasn't solving anything. Then I asked my mom how to deal with it & naturally she gave me her world reknown Lisa Lines. I busted them out & now the meltdowns, while they still happen, are less frequent and less agonizing. By the end of the hour, my kid was back to chipper, frantically waving goodbye to me. I wish you I could give you all a disc of prerecorded Lisa Lines. They never fail.
Answered the completely serious question, "Do you know who Alicia Keys is?" I have one buttercup who just doesn't understand that we, too, have music in Kansas. She consistently refers to me as a "simple girl from Kansas." Which I am. But her tone is so biting.
Fought off a girl trying to steal my chicken nuggets. Chicken nugget day is the NCAA championship game of lunches here (I don't care about the Superbowl so that analogy doesn't work for me). Even the girls who refuse to eat lunch most days get down with the nuggets. My favorite lunch date, this tiny, perfectly behaved girl, goes crazy for the chicken nuggets and always eats at least two portions (8-10 nugs) because her friend doesn't like them. She tried to take mine, too, but that wasn't happening. Mama's gotta eat too.
Got called out on my dorkiness three times. The first: We're learning about interjections. I mention that I like "fiddlesticks!" as an interjection. Reaction: "Fiddlesticks is not cool. It's not 1949 anymore." The second: Chicken-nugget girl tells me she knows her tutor's first name. I say, "You mean Ms.?" Her friend (anti nugget girl) says with this hilarious sass, "We know they have names. We're NOT 5. This isn't like Santa Claus." The third: I tell my kids I'm hip. They burst out laughing hysterically.
Played UNO yet again. My kids have these stupid rules about "stacks" and believe that you can add +4 cards on top of each other. You just can't do that. Luckily, my cards = my rules. Also, playing UNO at 8:30 am every day for 10 months means I will never play this game again in my life. Also, why do I capitalize the whole word in UNO? Is that correct?
Convinced a group of 6th graders I'm extremely wealthy due to my uncle Michael Jordan. There are so many holes in this story. They know my first name is Jordan but missed the mark when it comes to the whole first name/ last name not being the same thing. Even though they didn't understand why I'm still working since I am a millionaire, they appreciated that I cared enough about the kids to take a break from my life of leisure to teach them about coordinate planes.
Debated a kid on whether I could/should be Lil Wayne's wife, you know, because I'm a Carter. Also, the Boston accent saying "Carter" is so much cooler than the Midwestern pronunciation. When the kids address me as "The Carter 4," I realize this is as good as it's ever gonna get.
Learned the phrase, "She's been gone for a grip!" A "grip" is a long time.
Planned a trip to see Joyful Noise, a movie I have zero interest in seeing at age 21 but definitely would have seen opening day in middle school. Probably as part of those double features that were popular in the early 2000s. Fighting Temptations, anyone??
Teared up when a kid came back from suspension because he was so purely happy to be back. He is a good, hard-working kid who made a bad choice. Our school is moving away from a zero tolerance policy, so his future at the school was up in the air. For many of these kids, leaving this school means going to a crap public school and most likely having a crap future. I was really happy to see him back in action & it was just beautiful watching him fist pump his pals during lunch. Thinking back, though, it may have been inappropriate to tear up during chicken nugget time.
Reviewed a suspiciously large range of American black history in about 30 minutes - from slavery to the Civil War to Emmett Till to Brown v. Board (WHAT UP TOPEKA). Also reviewed the Holocaust in a conversation I would have been embarrassed to have anyone else hear. Let's just say it has been many moons since I have taken a history class...
Listened to the most stereotypically girly conversation between my 7th graders while simultaneously maintaining an air of superiority and secretly being totally into it. Topics included: zits; past exes; a full rundown of every couple in the school; speculation about which tutors were dating. Then I regained control of the conversation and made them write down things they liked about each other. Smart, funny, and loud. Those are solid character traits. I was satisfied.
Shot down every single excuse a girl in my bus room presented to leave the room. She is always so miserable and labels tutors who make her do things as "the devil." She also hoards the rolls from lunch but that is neither here nor there. Occasionally she is so disgusted with the rest of us that she takes her chair to the corner of the room and sits facing the wall to protest us. Better than being called the devil I suppose.
Shared a bag of caramel popcorn, chocolate chunks, and nuts with my 7th graders after school. They let me have the last chocolate chunk because they knew how much I loved them. Then we discovered that not only were there almonds, there were cashews! As one of them exclaimed, "This is a glorious day!"
And it was.
Epilogue: The very next day, both of these gals contracted the stomach flu. One of them vommed on the stairwell. So glad all of our hands were digging through that same bag of food. So as I count down the hours til I find myself spewing, too, I look back on yesterday and think, I kinda love middle school after all.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Saturday, January 14, 2012
luck is not real
Oprah says, "Luck is when preparation meets opportunity." Oprah has never been wrong about anything except that sketchy South African school administrator debacle. Her definition of luck is one I like. I don't think I believe in traditional luck & I definitely don't believe in fate. This seems to be a running theme, me not believing in anything.
It annoys me when people say they're unlucky. Take some personal responsibility for your life! Crappy things happen to you, I get it, but they happen to your co-worker and your roommate and even to me, yes, the one person whose life you imagined to be blissfully flawless. The tiny things you call unlucky I call coincidence or, more likely, poor decision making. Missed the train? Ya should have planned your trip better! Ruined a piece of clothing? Stop being a slob (personal goal #1). Disastrous in relationships? Choose people who have jobs instead of patterns of drug abuse. When you are lazy and blame some higher force for things that don't go well, then you better be thanking that same power for all the good things that happen to you. Your A on your final was definitely because your professor luckily chose the blatantly obvious questions, not because you studied. Luckily you were born with a deep passion for exercising and an allergy to carbs - that's why you are in such good shape!
Ugh. I feel like such a Republican saying things like "If you just work hard, you'll be successful!" "Take responsibility for your life!" Trust that this is more upsetting to me than it is to you. It was hard enough to start wearing my elephant necklace in public (I love elephants, ask me about them anytime). But what I'm talking about here is strictly your white whines. There is a difference between luck and fortune. I am fortunate enough to have a lot of opportunities that millions of people don't have. I fully believe in the matrices of oppression (lest you forget about my women & gender studies major) but I'm guessing that anyone who is leisurely reading this blog on their laptop while sipping on a $4 drink is on a relatively level playing field with me.
So even though I can't control everything (if I could, I'd have more tamable hair, grow a few inches taller, and be related to some NBA season ticket holder), I can prepare. I have prepared myself to go to law school, taking advantage of key opportunities, and I will punch you if you say my acceptances were lucky. Thinking about the wretched LSAT still makes me nervously chew my hair (personal goal #2). Next I shall prepare myself for the day an exec from Glamour stumbles upon my blog and offers me a monthly column. That will be preparation -- dedication to my hilariously entertaining yet deeply meaningful blog -- meeting opportunity.
Don't even get me started on fate. Fate as a concept is just ridiculous. Whatever I do, things are still gonna end up a certain way? Uh no thanks. This was meant to be?!?! That's a creepy idea, and plus, why should I work for anything then? In the JC explanation of life, it's all about timing. Sometimes things happen at the right time and sometimes they don't. If they don't, you move on and work to make something else happen. You are the agent of change, the quarterback of your team, the captain of your ship. You are so moved by these metaphors.
To make it more concrete: say I want to go on a trip. Now, where I want to go more than anywhere else is Greece, and I want to go this summer. But you know what, that's not gonna happen. None of this "if it's meant to be, I'll end up there." That's vague and unrealistic. None of this, "I don't have any money so I guess it just isn't in the cards for me." That's just plain depressing. Here's what will happen: I am going to wait until I have a job that pays more than a nickel at a time, save up, buy the ticket, book some cheap hostels, and fly there. I will be in Greece and have a rollicking good time. That, my friends, is my kind of fate.
It annoys me when people say they're unlucky. Take some personal responsibility for your life! Crappy things happen to you, I get it, but they happen to your co-worker and your roommate and even to me, yes, the one person whose life you imagined to be blissfully flawless. The tiny things you call unlucky I call coincidence or, more likely, poor decision making. Missed the train? Ya should have planned your trip better! Ruined a piece of clothing? Stop being a slob (personal goal #1). Disastrous in relationships? Choose people who have jobs instead of patterns of drug abuse. When you are lazy and blame some higher force for things that don't go well, then you better be thanking that same power for all the good things that happen to you. Your A on your final was definitely because your professor luckily chose the blatantly obvious questions, not because you studied. Luckily you were born with a deep passion for exercising and an allergy to carbs - that's why you are in such good shape!
Ugh. I feel like such a Republican saying things like "If you just work hard, you'll be successful!" "Take responsibility for your life!" Trust that this is more upsetting to me than it is to you. It was hard enough to start wearing my elephant necklace in public (I love elephants, ask me about them anytime). But what I'm talking about here is strictly your white whines. There is a difference between luck and fortune. I am fortunate enough to have a lot of opportunities that millions of people don't have. I fully believe in the matrices of oppression (lest you forget about my women & gender studies major) but I'm guessing that anyone who is leisurely reading this blog on their laptop while sipping on a $4 drink is on a relatively level playing field with me.
So even though I can't control everything (if I could, I'd have more tamable hair, grow a few inches taller, and be related to some NBA season ticket holder), I can prepare. I have prepared myself to go to law school, taking advantage of key opportunities, and I will punch you if you say my acceptances were lucky. Thinking about the wretched LSAT still makes me nervously chew my hair (personal goal #2). Next I shall prepare myself for the day an exec from Glamour stumbles upon my blog and offers me a monthly column. That will be preparation -- dedication to my hilariously entertaining yet deeply meaningful blog -- meeting opportunity.
Don't even get me started on fate. Fate as a concept is just ridiculous. Whatever I do, things are still gonna end up a certain way? Uh no thanks. This was meant to be?!?! That's a creepy idea, and plus, why should I work for anything then? In the JC explanation of life, it's all about timing. Sometimes things happen at the right time and sometimes they don't. If they don't, you move on and work to make something else happen. You are the agent of change, the quarterback of your team, the captain of your ship. You are so moved by these metaphors.
To make it more concrete: say I want to go on a trip. Now, where I want to go more than anywhere else is Greece, and I want to go this summer. But you know what, that's not gonna happen. None of this "if it's meant to be, I'll end up there." That's vague and unrealistic. None of this, "I don't have any money so I guess it just isn't in the cards for me." That's just plain depressing. Here's what will happen: I am going to wait until I have a job that pays more than a nickel at a time, save up, buy the ticket, book some cheap hostels, and fly there. I will be in Greece and have a rollicking good time. That, my friends, is my kind of fate.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
believing
I am not a religious person. If you know me, this is old news. If I don't know you -- SURPRISE! I'm a heathen. The Carters are somewhat spiritual folks (check out Lisa's f-book statuses for your daily inspiration), and I do generally believe in something, but the four of us have gone to church together exactly zero times. I prefer Easter brunch to Easter mass and this year's Christmas was dedicated to the birth of the NBA season.
If I had to claim a religion, I'd definitely be Jewish. They believe in tolerance and mitzvahs and generally like to bring each other up instead of tear each other down. Plus I share initials with the OG Jew (JESUS CHRIST!). Mainly, though, I am perfectly content to go about believing in my vague yet all powerful higher power whom I like to imagine looks like a cross between my grandfather and of course Morgan Freeman. My god enjoys going to same sex marriage ceremonies, supports women's rights, and has a weekly get together with other deities because, really, can't we all just get along?
Most of my middle schoolers, however, follow the other, better known JC. This has made for some interesting conversations. When my 7th graders learned about evolution vs. creationism, I was literally shocked. It was like "HEY Toto I guess we are back in Kansas after all." Evolution has always been so obviously the truth for me & it's been a long time since I've interacted with people who explicitly and unequivocally believe in creationism). One of my kids asked me, "So you really believe you came from monkeys?!" and then burst out laughing as though it was the most absurd idea she has ever heard.
I was kinda offended by her blatant intolerance for my beliefs but then I was forced to think about my own intolerance toward her beliefs. What do I know about how the world started?! I choose to believe in science and she chooses to believe in faith and in the end it's just like Jack vs. Locke and if you don't know what that refers to then why are we friends? The point is, if I'm going to go around spouting my beliefs about loving and accepting everyone, then I better walk the walk.
We've also chatted about same sex marriage. Now I know little to nothing about the origin of species but I do know that same sex marriage is literally hurting zero people. I've had one convo that gave me hope for the future generations because it was so clear to them that love is love. They were all, "Everyone should be happy and who cares who it's with" and I was all "YES! YOU GET IT!" It was so 21st century. But I had another convo where I got a Bible verse dropped on me about men lying with men being a sin. I get enough of that from my brother quoting Leviticus for the pure shock value (one time we went through the Bible together looking for the most hateful parts). Our tutorial was meant to be about multiplying decimals, but then I remembered that after middle school everyone uses calculators anyway so I decided to steer the lesson to civil rights. When they've been told their whole life by everyone they trust that gay marriage is wrong, it's completely understandable that they believe it. But they had to stop and think when I asked them what they would do if their best friend told them she was gay. Would they stay friends? Would they attend her wedding? One of my kids decided she would definitely go because she loves weddings. The other one was more conflicted but I at least feel like I presented a viewpoint she'd never considered. When's my No H8 campaign starting up?!
I've even seen kids using the Bible as their DEAR book. Yeah you remember dropping everything and reading. More mixed feelings. Lots of buzzwords come to mind: separation of church and state?! Freedom of religion?! Freedom of speech?! Frankly I think it's strange to read the Bible at school, but I can't really verbalize why. And it's not hurting anyone. I get that. Man, why don't kids read the Babysitters Club series anymore?!?
If you can't relate to my interactions with religious middle schoolers, then surely you can talk Tebow. I mean, the reason we hate/are annoyed by/are perplexed by the guy is ...... ? Because he is religious? Because he gives all the glory to his god and not to himself? I roll my eyes at his verse-inscribed face paint and I just about vommed at his "if my mom had had an abortion, the world would not have benefited from my existence" commercial but we worship all sorts of people who do much worse things than talk about being Christian. Other athletes, musicians, even my beloved Kardashians - Tebow probably has them all beat in terms of being a role model. I just think it's fascinating that he's the controversial one in our society.
I don't really have a main point here. Religion is weird. Let's just all believe in friendship.
If I had to claim a religion, I'd definitely be Jewish. They believe in tolerance and mitzvahs and generally like to bring each other up instead of tear each other down. Plus I share initials with the OG Jew (JESUS CHRIST!). Mainly, though, I am perfectly content to go about believing in my vague yet all powerful higher power whom I like to imagine looks like a cross between my grandfather and of course Morgan Freeman. My god enjoys going to same sex marriage ceremonies, supports women's rights, and has a weekly get together with other deities because, really, can't we all just get along?
Most of my middle schoolers, however, follow the other, better known JC. This has made for some interesting conversations. When my 7th graders learned about evolution vs. creationism, I was literally shocked. It was like "HEY Toto I guess we are back in Kansas after all." Evolution has always been so obviously the truth for me & it's been a long time since I've interacted with people who explicitly and unequivocally believe in creationism). One of my kids asked me, "So you really believe you came from monkeys?!" and then burst out laughing as though it was the most absurd idea she has ever heard.
I was kinda offended by her blatant intolerance for my beliefs but then I was forced to think about my own intolerance toward her beliefs. What do I know about how the world started?! I choose to believe in science and she chooses to believe in faith and in the end it's just like Jack vs. Locke and if you don't know what that refers to then why are we friends? The point is, if I'm going to go around spouting my beliefs about loving and accepting everyone, then I better walk the walk.
We've also chatted about same sex marriage. Now I know little to nothing about the origin of species but I do know that same sex marriage is literally hurting zero people. I've had one convo that gave me hope for the future generations because it was so clear to them that love is love. They were all, "Everyone should be happy and who cares who it's with" and I was all "YES! YOU GET IT!" It was so 21st century. But I had another convo where I got a Bible verse dropped on me about men lying with men being a sin. I get enough of that from my brother quoting Leviticus for the pure shock value (one time we went through the Bible together looking for the most hateful parts). Our tutorial was meant to be about multiplying decimals, but then I remembered that after middle school everyone uses calculators anyway so I decided to steer the lesson to civil rights. When they've been told their whole life by everyone they trust that gay marriage is wrong, it's completely understandable that they believe it. But they had to stop and think when I asked them what they would do if their best friend told them she was gay. Would they stay friends? Would they attend her wedding? One of my kids decided she would definitely go because she loves weddings. The other one was more conflicted but I at least feel like I presented a viewpoint she'd never considered. When's my No H8 campaign starting up?!
I've even seen kids using the Bible as their DEAR book. Yeah you remember dropping everything and reading. More mixed feelings. Lots of buzzwords come to mind: separation of church and state?! Freedom of religion?! Freedom of speech?! Frankly I think it's strange to read the Bible at school, but I can't really verbalize why. And it's not hurting anyone. I get that. Man, why don't kids read the Babysitters Club series anymore?!?
If you can't relate to my interactions with religious middle schoolers, then surely you can talk Tebow. I mean, the reason we hate/are annoyed by/are perplexed by the guy is ...... ? Because he is religious? Because he gives all the glory to his god and not to himself? I roll my eyes at his verse-inscribed face paint and I just about vommed at his "if my mom had had an abortion, the world would not have benefited from my existence" commercial but we worship all sorts of people who do much worse things than talk about being Christian. Other athletes, musicians, even my beloved Kardashians - Tebow probably has them all beat in terms of being a role model. I just think it's fascinating that he's the controversial one in our society.
I don't really have a main point here. Religion is weird. Let's just all believe in friendship.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
new year
"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." -- Emerson
Tis my favorite quote & my sole resolution for the new year.Some things I liked about 2011:
- turning 21 & having the best birthday surprise ever
- a happy, fun, memorable final semester at WashU
- bonding with 2120
- Aruba with Eric
- summer with all my loves in Topeka
- endless games of Phase 10 with my dad & brother
- watching Real Housewives with my mom
- milkshakes with my grandpa
- a bittersweet farewell to Harry Potter
- making legitimate moves for my future
- moving to Boston and meeting some wonderful people, both adults and children
- feeling the immense & consuming pride that comes from your kid (technically someone else's kid) succeeding
- Asticou
- US Open with Jeanenne
- 11/11/11 also with Jeanenne
- family and friends in good health and good spirits
Some things I'm looking forward to in 2012:
- Boston sporting events
- March Madness
- springtime in Boston
- Hunger Games movie
- running a 5k
- watching my 8th graders graduate
- watching my other kids (oh please God let this happen) matriculate to the next grade
- summer with all my loves in Topeka (hopefully)
- family vacation
- starting law school
- Alex starting high school
2011 was full of change. I don't do well with change. It is necessary blah blah blah pushes you to evolve blah blah blah but it's stressful and upsetting and I just like things to stay the same! I hope that 2012 holds even more adventures than 2011 did, as well a teeny bit more stability. While we're at it, I'd also love to win a large sum of money & develop a mesmerizing singing voice. Here's hoping!
Thursday, December 29, 2011
holiday chill
I sit here, wrapped in my comforter on an unseasonably warm December afternoon (or so my weather app tells me - I haven't been outside), in the same red WashU sweatpants I've worn all week, chain-eating Lifesavers mints (always wint-o-green, never peppermint) and listening to my brother watch It's Always Sunny (yes he's 14, yes he is too young for it, yes he is beyond salvation). During a normal Boston week, Thursday afternoon signifies the end of 4 long days of hard work and mindful closing of the achievement gap. During this Topeka week, Thursday afternoon signifies ... nothing.
Sometimes I legitimately think I'm the laziest person who has ever existed. You should ask my parents, or my high school friends, or my college roommates, or my current roommates. If you're one of those people, you're probably nodding and thinking, I've never known anyone who can sleep so much or How can someone function with so many clothes piled on her bed? I prefer to think of myself as a person of conscious intent. If I want to be productive, I will run and cook and clean and read and write and study and cross things off my to do list like I'm Beyonce (someone I imagine never rests). But when I'm chillin, I'm chillin hard.
Here are some images of my holiday chill:
Cats out on the town
These crazy kids celebrated their anniversary
A tropical Christmas
I had no button ups, & clearly we all had to match, so I had to borrow my brother's
Sometimes I legitimately think I'm the laziest person who has ever existed. You should ask my parents, or my high school friends, or my college roommates, or my current roommates. If you're one of those people, you're probably nodding and thinking, I've never known anyone who can sleep so much or How can someone function with so many clothes piled on her bed? I prefer to think of myself as a person of conscious intent. If I want to be productive, I will run and cook and clean and read and write and study and cross things off my to do list like I'm Beyonce (someone I imagine never rests). But when I'm chillin, I'm chillin hard.
Here are some images of my holiday chill:
Cats out on the town
An intimate moment
These crazy kids celebrated their anniversary
A tropical Christmas
I had no button ups, & clearly we all had to match, so I had to borrow my brother's
We spent Christmas day celebrating what the day is all about: the return of the NBA! My Thunder won, the Lakers lost; it was a holy day indeed.
Someone was unhappy about the Lakers losing. He was consoled by yet ANOTHER pair of shoes.
My g-parents prepared a delish Christmas dinner
Apparently I am allergic to cats. Tara: Bear and I need to have a little chat. Side note: when did I get so attractive?!
In my most productive move of the week, I changed my phone background to a pic of this one. If you want to see a beautiful moment in cinematic history, find the next showing of New Years Eve, wait in the lobby for 90 minutes, & pop in for the end credits where Zac is dancing like he will dance on our wedding day. Ya gotta believe it to achieve it.
Ok. Now Alex, the only other contender for laziest person in the US of A, went to basketball practice, rendering me the victor... just in time to watch Dr. Phil! A little white toddler is screaming "I don't want to turn blaaaackk!" and her dad is telling her that all girls turn a little bit black on their fourth birthday. Daytime TV is the epitome of the holiday chill.
Someone was unhappy about the Lakers losing. He was consoled by yet ANOTHER pair of shoes.
My g-parents prepared a delish Christmas dinner
Apparently I am allergic to cats. Tara: Bear and I need to have a little chat. Side note: when did I get so attractive?!
In my most productive move of the week, I changed my phone background to a pic of this one. If you want to see a beautiful moment in cinematic history, find the next showing of New Years Eve, wait in the lobby for 90 minutes, & pop in for the end credits where Zac is dancing like he will dance on our wedding day. Ya gotta believe it to achieve it.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
kroger brand celebs
If you have a father like mine (read: fiscally responsible (read: cheap)), you're familiar with the Kroger brand. We do it all: Kroger cereal, Kroger bread, Kroger cheese, Kroger chips. Might as well be renamed the Carter brand. The only anti-Kroger petition that has been successful has been my plea for Tropicana. I don't play around with orange juice.
Even though it's not as fancy, Kroger is essentially the same thing for a better price, making it the better choice. Consistent and reliable, the Kroger brand flies under the radar but still fills my tum with deliciousness. Much like these celebrities.
Mainstream hipster - The brandname pick is Zooey Deschanel. The quirky songs, the cutesy mannerisms, and oh those blue blue eyes are all part of the Zooey effect. But Rashida Jones is my actual idol. First of all she is a brownie, and I just prefer mixed people to all other people. Call me racist, but ya can't, because which race am I for?! ALL OF THEM! TOGETHER! Rashida went to Hahhhvard and is extremely articulate, plus she is classy, hilarious, has this effortlessly chic look, and co-stars in is what is perhaps my favorite movie of the last decade (I Love You Man). Rashida has this indie charm but is not so hipster as to repel you. She is the only person who could basically ruin Pam and Jim's relationship and still have you saying to yourself at the end of the episode, "We should be friends."
Self-deprecating comedienne: It's all about Tina Fey right now. I get it. Bossypants was straight up perfection. But I laugh just as hard at Mindy Kaling, whose twitter feed consistently says exactly what I'm thinking, only funnier and clearer. Her book also had me snorting on an airplane (please borrow it from me so it gets the love and many reads it deserves), plus I feel like I can relate to her. She is the more accessible Fey, the everyday Fey, if you will. She knows and cares about three vital things: celebrity gossip, basketball, and sparkles.
Even though it's not as fancy, Kroger is essentially the same thing for a better price, making it the better choice. Consistent and reliable, the Kroger brand flies under the radar but still fills my tum with deliciousness. Much like these celebrities.
Mainstream hipster - The brandname pick is Zooey Deschanel. The quirky songs, the cutesy mannerisms, and oh those blue blue eyes are all part of the Zooey effect. But Rashida Jones is my actual idol. First of all she is a brownie, and I just prefer mixed people to all other people. Call me racist, but ya can't, because which race am I for?! ALL OF THEM! TOGETHER! Rashida went to Hahhhvard and is extremely articulate, plus she is classy, hilarious, has this effortlessly chic look, and co-stars in is what is perhaps my favorite movie of the last decade (I Love You Man). Rashida has this indie charm but is not so hipster as to repel you. She is the only person who could basically ruin Pam and Jim's relationship and still have you saying to yourself at the end of the episode, "We should be friends."
Self-deprecating comedienne: It's all about Tina Fey right now. I get it. Bossypants was straight up perfection. But I laugh just as hard at Mindy Kaling, whose twitter feed consistently says exactly what I'm thinking, only funnier and clearer. Her book also had me snorting on an airplane (please borrow it from me so it gets the love and many reads it deserves), plus I feel like I can relate to her. She is the more accessible Fey, the everyday Fey, if you will. She knows and cares about three vital things: celebrity gossip, basketball, and sparkles.
via
Mom on the go: I am a loyal reader of People magazine and ask my mom to keep every single issue so I can binge-read when I'm home. But sweet baby Jesus, we need to jump off the Brangelina bandwagon. She is badass and does great things for all the poor children of the world, blah blah blah, but I just don't want to see her big lips any longer. YES I'm still bitter about the demise of Brad and Jen. They were just so golden. My personal pick for celeb mom who is always photographed toting around a munchkin or two is Jennifer Garner. She is always so delightfully frumpy in that hectic-but-happy stay at home mom way. Her kids seem to be having the time of their lives in every pic. I realize Garner's career as an actress is not stellar (although she was so good in Juno) but you know she plans the most rockin backyard birthday parties.
via
viaModern Family character - Cam steals all his scenes. He wins the awards. He may be the perfect television character. But my number one is Manny, and that's not just because Eric Stonestreet went to K-State. Manny is such a hopeless romantic, a little Colombian kid trapped in an old man's body. He just loves love. I'll admit he isn't as funny this season but don't give up on Manny! He just needs his poncho back!
NBA superstar - Well. Kobe is a rapist so I'm gonna go ahead and cut him early. I also despise Derrick Rose but that's mainly because he went to Memphis (oh did you forget?) LeBron doesn't really bother me. My middle schoolers are obsessed with D-Wade & Rondo. Nowitzki was a beast this year. But I'm all about Kevin Durant. We go way back to '07 when I used my magical powers to injure him at a KU-Texas game. It's not a big deal, I just won us the Big 12 championship that year. When he came to OKC I developed an obsession. He is a sick basketball player and seems like a solid guy. Plus he's young enough to be eligible as a future friend/husband, whichever I need at the time. I love that the midwest has a legit superstar basketball player.
via
NBA superstar - Well. Kobe is a rapist so I'm gonna go ahead and cut him early. I also despise Derrick Rose but that's mainly because he went to Memphis (oh did you forget?) LeBron doesn't really bother me. My middle schoolers are obsessed with D-Wade & Rondo. Nowitzki was a beast this year. But I'm all about Kevin Durant. We go way back to '07 when I used my magical powers to injure him at a KU-Texas game. It's not a big deal, I just won us the Big 12 championship that year. When he came to OKC I developed an obsession. He is a sick basketball player and seems like a solid guy. Plus he's young enough to be eligible as a future friend/husband, whichever I need at the time. I love that the midwest has a legit superstar basketball player.
viaSometimes, though, as with the Tropicana (I really hope Tropicana sees this and offers me some of sort of sponsor relationship, as I have a sweeping influence on both the virtual and real worlds), you gotta go name brand. So in terms of Kardashians (Kourtney), Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Kyle), Disney stars (Selena Gomez), and generally perfect leading men (Ryan Gosling), I am right there with the rest of ya.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
LAS
As a tot, I always played the teacher role. I was the teacher in our 2nd grade assembly and I earned two Academy Award nominations for the role (lost to Meryl Streep yet again). I played school with my friends, my then-infant brother, and by myself because I was a loner. I loved being in charge, loved the structure, and loved the power of the red pen.
But I never really thought I'd be a real teacher. In fact, I never really thought about being a real anything.
You see, I suffer from a syndrome known as Liberal Arts Syndrome, or LAS as it's known in the industry. LAS most often strikes the upper middle class population and is particularly cruel to females.
Symptoms include:
- a propensity toward "saving the world"
- ellipticizing to burn off that fro-yo and spinach salad with balsamic (no meat! baby cows are just sooo cute) you scarfed down because you just have no. self. control.
- liberal political beliefs ("love is love" is a catchphrase of ours) and strong support of high taxes until you start paying them yourself
- summers of interning at various non profits because you just really like helping people who were dealt a shitty hand of cards
- the simultaneous need to say pretentious things like "Arrested Development was SO underappreciated" while DVRing all Real Housewives franchises (except Atlanta & Miami)
- a wardrobe of leggings, Northface, & Nike
- no marketable skills
As someone living with LAS, I knew it would be tough to have a worthwhile future because we thrive in a university setting and often don't make it past 22. We're pretty good at everything but really good at nothing. We have too many interests but never dream of committing to any one of them. That's why it was such a surprise to actually get a job for this year, even if it is in the least surprising field for people living with LAS: education. Now I am fulfilling my long-forgotten dreams of teaching, imparting wisdom to future generations, and using the dry-erase board (because every math problem becomes 40x more fun when you get to use the dry-erase board).
The thing about dreams is that they are better when you're sleeping and so I must announce that I am not meant to be a teacher. It isn't painful for me to say this because I realized this about 4 years ago when I was doing after-school tutoring and realized how frustrating children are. I really don't want to, nor do I know how to, stop your kid from crying, yelling, hitting, or eating his boogers. I will probably run into these same issues with my own children but we will address that issue when we come to it (8-9 years, don't worry, Lisa & Vince). There are so many emotional, social, & political obstacles that teachers have to deal with, and I am already burning out from my not-an-actual-teacher job. Let me reiterate that I have so much freaking respect for teachers because it is probs the hardest job in the world if you do it well. When I become wealthy & extremely powerful, I will increase teachers' salaries in addition to giving my kids' teachers' badass holiday gifts (talking to you, Tara). But I myself will not be among the teacher crew.
My current plan, if you're wondering how I plan to continue my fight against LAS, is to go to law school and become a crusader for social justice through sweeping change. While I do plan on meeting my liberal, hard-working, Zac Efron lookalike husband (who may come from old money but is not required to), husband-hunting is not my sole purpose. I want to be able to afford my all-J. Crew wardrobe and quarterly exotic vacations all by myself, thank you very much. I also want to save the world, make our country more socially liberal, help people who were dealt a shitty hand of cards. After all, LAS can be managed but never fully cured.
But I never really thought I'd be a real teacher. In fact, I never really thought about being a real anything.
You see, I suffer from a syndrome known as Liberal Arts Syndrome, or LAS as it's known in the industry. LAS most often strikes the upper middle class population and is particularly cruel to females.
Symptoms include:
- a propensity toward "saving the world"
- ellipticizing to burn off that fro-yo and spinach salad with balsamic (no meat! baby cows are just sooo cute) you scarfed down because you just have no. self. control.
- liberal political beliefs ("love is love" is a catchphrase of ours) and strong support of high taxes until you start paying them yourself
- summers of interning at various non profits because you just really like helping people who were dealt a shitty hand of cards
- the simultaneous need to say pretentious things like "Arrested Development was SO underappreciated" while DVRing all Real Housewives franchises (except Atlanta & Miami)
- a wardrobe of leggings, Northface, & Nike
- no marketable skills
As someone living with LAS, I knew it would be tough to have a worthwhile future because we thrive in a university setting and often don't make it past 22. We're pretty good at everything but really good at nothing. We have too many interests but never dream of committing to any one of them. That's why it was such a surprise to actually get a job for this year, even if it is in the least surprising field for people living with LAS: education. Now I am fulfilling my long-forgotten dreams of teaching, imparting wisdom to future generations, and using the dry-erase board (because every math problem becomes 40x more fun when you get to use the dry-erase board).
The thing about dreams is that they are better when you're sleeping and so I must announce that I am not meant to be a teacher. It isn't painful for me to say this because I realized this about 4 years ago when I was doing after-school tutoring and realized how frustrating children are. I really don't want to, nor do I know how to, stop your kid from crying, yelling, hitting, or eating his boogers. I will probably run into these same issues with my own children but we will address that issue when we come to it (8-9 years, don't worry, Lisa & Vince). There are so many emotional, social, & political obstacles that teachers have to deal with, and I am already burning out from my not-an-actual-teacher job. Let me reiterate that I have so much freaking respect for teachers because it is probs the hardest job in the world if you do it well. When I become wealthy & extremely powerful, I will increase teachers' salaries in addition to giving my kids' teachers' badass holiday gifts (talking to you, Tara). But I myself will not be among the teacher crew.
My current plan, if you're wondering how I plan to continue my fight against LAS, is to go to law school and become a crusader for social justice through sweeping change. While I do plan on meeting my liberal, hard-working, Zac Efron lookalike husband (who may come from old money but is not required to), husband-hunting is not my sole purpose. I want to be able to afford my all-J. Crew wardrobe and quarterly exotic vacations all by myself, thank you very much. I also want to save the world, make our country more socially liberal, help people who were dealt a shitty hand of cards. After all, LAS can be managed but never fully cured.
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