this wednesday

You know I work at a middle school. But I don't think you fully realize how much can happen in one day. To give you a fuller picture of what goes on in these hallowed halls, I documented yesterday's antics. Just a simple Wednesday. Try to keep up & please contain your insane jealousy of my glamorous life.

This Wednesday, I ...

Told my 8th graders I'm going to the London Olympics this summer. They thought I was lying. I clearly am. But they are children, and they will eventually believe anything. I told them I won tickets last summer & I'm soooo excited to go. I will keep up this ruse as long as possible & may go as far as sending them a postcard wishing they were here in London with me.

Heard my 7th graders tell me I have nice eyebrows. This is by far my most complimented body part. It's better than the alternative, but it's a disappointing category to win. I just want cascading hair or Michelle Obama arms.

Witnessed my 6th grader's 46th (official count) meltdown of the year. The silent cry is her specialty. Earlier in the year, I felt so sad when she cried that I pulled her into the hallway to discuss her feelings and rehash the whole incident. That took too much time & wasn't solving anything. Then I asked my mom how to deal with it & naturally she gave me her world reknown Lisa Lines. I busted them out & now the meltdowns, while they still happen, are less frequent and less agonizing. By the end of the hour, my kid was back to chipper, frantically waving goodbye to me. I wish you I could give you all a disc of prerecorded Lisa Lines. They never fail.

Answered the completely serious question, "Do you know who Alicia Keys is?" I have one buttercup who just doesn't understand that we, too, have music in Kansas. She consistently refers to me as a "simple girl from Kansas." Which I am. But her tone is so biting.

Fought off a girl trying to steal my chicken nuggets. Chicken nugget day is the NCAA championship game of lunches here (I don't care about the Superbowl so that analogy doesn't work for me). Even the girls who refuse to eat lunch most days get down with the nuggets. My favorite lunch date, this tiny, perfectly behaved girl, goes crazy for the chicken nuggets and always eats at least two portions (8-10 nugs) because her friend doesn't like them. She tried to take mine, too, but that wasn't happening. Mama's gotta eat too.

Got called out on my dorkiness three times. The first: We're learning about interjections. I mention that I like "fiddlesticks!" as an interjection. Reaction: "Fiddlesticks is not cool. It's not 1949 anymore." The second: Chicken-nugget girl tells me she knows her tutor's first name. I say, "You mean Ms.?" Her friend (anti nugget girl) says with this hilarious sass, "We know they have names. We're NOT 5. This isn't like Santa Claus." The third: I tell my kids I'm hip. They burst out laughing hysterically.

Played UNO yet again. My kids have these stupid rules about "stacks" and believe that you can add +4 cards on top of each other. You just can't do that. Luckily, my cards = my rules. Also, playing UNO at 8:30 am every day for 10 months means I will never play this game again in my life. Also, why do I capitalize the whole word in UNO? Is that correct?

Convinced a group of 6th graders I'm extremely wealthy due to my uncle Michael Jordan. There are so many holes in this story. They know my first name is Jordan but missed the mark when it comes to the whole first name/ last name not being the same thing. Even though they didn't understand why I'm still working since I am a millionaire, they appreciated that I cared enough about the kids to take a break from my life of leisure to teach them about coordinate planes.

Debated a kid on whether I could/should be Lil Wayne's wife, you know, because I'm a Carter. Also, the Boston accent saying "Carter" is so much cooler than the Midwestern pronunciation. When the kids address me as "The Carter 4," I realize this is as good as it's ever gonna get.

Learned the phrase, "She's been gone for a grip!" A "grip" is a long time.

Planned a trip to see Joyful Noise, a movie I have zero interest in seeing at age 21 but definitely would have seen opening day in middle school. Probably as part of those double features that were popular in the early 2000s. Fighting Temptations, anyone??

Teared up when a kid came back from suspension because he was so purely happy to be back. He is a good, hard-working kid who made a bad choice. Our school is moving away from a zero tolerance policy, so his future at the school was up in the air. For many of these kids, leaving this school means going to a crap public school and most likely having a crap future. I was really happy to see him back in action & it was just beautiful watching him fist pump his pals during lunch. Thinking back, though, it may have been inappropriate to tear up during chicken nugget time.

Reviewed a suspiciously large range of American black history in about 30 minutes - from slavery to the Civil War to Emmett Till to Brown v. Board (WHAT UP TOPEKA). Also reviewed the Holocaust in a conversation I would have been embarrassed to have anyone else hear. Let's just say it has been many moons since I have taken a history class...

Listened to the most stereotypically girly conversation between my 7th graders while simultaneously maintaining an air of superiority and secretly being totally into it. Topics included: zits; past exes; a full rundown of every couple in the school; speculation about which tutors were dating. Then I regained control of the conversation and made them write down things they liked about each other. Smart, funny, and loud. Those are solid character traits. I was satisfied.

Shot down every single excuse a girl in my bus room presented to leave the room. She is always so miserable and labels tutors who make her do things as "the devil." She also hoards the rolls from lunch but that is neither here nor there. Occasionally she is so disgusted with the rest of us that she takes her chair to the corner of the room and sits facing the wall to protest us. Better than being called the devil I suppose.

Shared a bag of caramel popcorn, chocolate chunks, and nuts with my 7th graders after school. They let me have the last chocolate chunk because they knew how much I loved them. Then we discovered that not only were there almonds, there were cashews! As one of them exclaimed, "This is a glorious day!"

And it was.

Epilogue: The very next day, both of these gals contracted the stomach flu. One of them vommed on the stairwell. So glad all of our hands were digging through that same bag of food. So as I count down the hours til I find myself spewing, too, I look back on yesterday and think, I kinda love middle school after all.